Offering money or rewards for bravery
Would you pay your child €5 to “be brave”?That’s what a mum offered her son at an acrobranche park in France — the kind of place where you zip-line between trees and crawl across ropes in the air. Me and my daughter were cruising along when we caught up with a dad and his son, about the same age.
The boy had just reached the first zip-line — and froze. Full-body fear. He kept saying how scared he was, the tears came. Dad was behind him, saying only things like "there's people behind us!" and "this is the only way down, you HAVE TO do it!".
Mum called up from the ground:
“Come on. I’ll give you 5 euro if you do it!”
Then: “If you do all the zip-lines, you could make 100 today!”
Did it work? Nope.
And I had so much to say (internally - I was not about to start coaching a stranger's child mid-tantrum-in-a-tree).).
But here’s what I want to say to you:
Nobody stopped to say:
“It’s OK to be scared.”
Or:
“This is hard, and the only way down is across — and I’m right here with you.”
Instead, they tried to bypass the fear with rewards.
And this is what I see all the time with rewards. One of two things usually happen:
1. The child still won’t do it.
Because you can’t logic or bribe someone out of a fear response. If a child is in a freeze response, offering a fiver isn’t going to magically unstick their nervous system.
2. Or they do override their body — and that’s almost worse.
Because now they’re learning to ignore the signals their body sends them. They’re learning that fear = weakness, and that pushing through wins praise, money, belonging. That part really worries me. Because one day, someone might offer them something (a drink, a dare, a risk) and they’ve been trained to ignore their no if there’s a reward.
So no — you won’t catch me paying my kids to override their truth.
And the truth is: I don’t have to.
What I see in Aware Parenting again and again is that when kids feel safe, connected, and supported, they want to try new things. Their nervous systems aren’t constantly stuck in fight/flight/freeze. They’re more tuned in to their own limits — and more willing to stretch them when the time is right, when someone they trust has their back and they feel safe.
And yeah, this applies to things like obstacle courses.
But it also applies to things like potty learning.
Because when kids resist the potty, when they withhold, when they have regressions — it’s not because they “don't care” or are being “manipulative” or “not ready.” It’s about fear, accumulated stress, lack of autonomy and control...
And just like on that zipline, neither rewards nor logic will override the feelings. They need to feel safe. Seen. Trusted.
That’s why I’ve just revamped my Guide to Potty Mastery — it’s free, and it lays out exactly how to approach toileting without pressure, shame, or sticker charts. You can grab it here:
And if you want deeper support (with real-life examples, games, emotional reasons for resistance, and support for older kids), my Potty Mastery Course is open now. It includes lifetime access and a discount code if you’ve already downloaded the guide.
No coercion. No rewards. Just a different lens.
And — keep an eye out for my next email. I’ve got a brand new guide coming:
Game On: 12 playful games to support potty independence — using connection and fun instead of rewards, prompting, or pressure.
It’s quick, simple, and grounded in attachment play. You’re going to love it.