when an older sibling feels unloved
"There are some things that are so predictable and inevitable, faced by almost all children, that it is hard to call them traumas. Nevertheless, they are painful and they sap a child's confidence. Losing a friend, having a secret betrayed, and being teased are just a few examples. As parents, we want desperately to help children escape these hard lessons of life, or at least master them when they do happen. We know that lectures don't really work, but we keep giving them anyway, just in case, because we aren't sure what else to do. A playful approach is much more helpful."
Lawrence Cohen in Playful Parenting
If you, like me, have an older child who is constantly asking for the bigger piece when sharing something with their sibling, I want to share two insights.
It’s not about the thing itself. This is their way of asking “Do you still love me as much now that I have a little brother/sister”. Even when they say “It’s not fair, his piece is bigger”, it’s still not about fairness but about how they feel about their sibling.
Lecturing or even reassuring don’t go as far as a playful approach.
Most parents want their children to know we are fair. We want them to understand that we love them differently, but equally as much. However, for many of us, the lingering guilt of bringing a sibling into the family, of not having as much time for our eldest, of being a different parent to them… means that we tend to avoid addressing the topic.
But here’s the thing. Children pick up on our discomfort with a topic, and it makes them feel uneasy too. So instead, next time one of your children complains about not receiving enough attention, or not getting the bigger piece, or if they simply say, “I feel you don’t love me as much as my brother,” here’s a playful approach: make it into a joke.
Say, jokingly, that you do love their sibling more. That’s why you’re giving them a bigger piece. Or that’s why you’re helping them get dressed first. Whatever it is... pretend you do love the other one more.
Make sure to use a playful tone and follow the giggles. If they find it funny, keep going. By lightening up such a weighty topic, it takes the emotional charge out of it. We also offer reassurance indirectly, bypassing their rational mechanisms and reaching directly for their hearts.