Why talking doesn’t stop the aggression

Is your child biting, hitting or being aggressive?

In our culture we tend to over-rely on explaining and talking to children, especially when we’re not sure what else to do. And often we see that children understand our words, but they’re still doing the behaviour. And it can seem like they keep doing it on purpose! The fact is that underneath all aggressive behaviour is a feeling.

And feelings need to be felt.

But talking brings us out of feeling.

When they notice that they're not meeting our expectations it can also cause shame.

Instead, we need to help them to shift those feelings, either through play or through tears and raging.

The thing is talking doesn't move or shift that feeling. When children are upset, scared, frustrated, angry, or feel unsafe, their underdeveloped prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain responsible for impulse control) essentially goes offline. In that moment, they can't help but continue with the aggressive behaviour.

A more helpful approach involves using play as a means to release these pent-up emotions  as well as allowing them to come out through crying and tantrums.