It is not the events that disturb people, it is their judgements concerning them.

Epictetus, Stoic philosopher

When a child isn't listening, isn't cooperating, is doing the opposite of what we ask, is hitting or biting we tend to make up stories. We're quick to judge and react with anger.

We stop seeing the event and the facts and see only the stories we make about what is happening.

My child NEVER listens.

They're disobedient.

They hear me but do what they want because they're naughty.

They're trying to annoy me.

They're manipulative, they're being selfish.

But.

Epictetus also understood that we can make another judgement as soon a we understand that the anger comes from our judgement, not from the facts.

So when we understand that children are acting aggressively, not cooperating, not doing what we ask because they have an unmet need or because they have accumulated feelings WE can make a different judgement. They are no longer a "bad" child, we are not failing as parents. We can look at the events and the facts with empathy.

It takes a second to pause and see what stories we are telling ourselves about our children. Sometimes we do this in retrospect, after losing our temper. But with more practice, we may be able to identify the story before we react.