La tétine, le doudou… Dummies in France and emotional expression

I'll start by saying again, this is not a judgement on individual parents. Truly. I'm sharing my experiences of a culture and how it shapes us. And, if you’ve used a dummy or a lovey with your baby — whether you’ve since chosen a different path or this is all new information — I’m sending you so much love.

This is an observation of parenting. One I’ve made again and again, every time we travel to France.

It’s very common for babies to use a dummy (la tétine), and not uncommon to see children still using one well into preschool years — day and night. And just as common is the ever-present doudou — a lovey, or transitional object, often clutched tightly in sleep or as they head off to nursery. In fact, nurseries highly recommend parents send children with one. 

The role of the dummy and the lovey can seem simple: they appear to soothe. When a child is upset, these objects often appear to help them calm down. But that calming is often only on the surface.

In reality, it’s less about the object itself and more about what’s not happening. When a baby cries and we give them a dummy or we ask them to fall asleep independently and give them a lovey, it seems they learn to "self-soothe". What is really happening is we're not allowing for the crying - the feelings, the nervous system energy - to come out, so the "soothing" is superficial. 

If a child doesn’t have space to express the emotions they’re carrying, they’ll begin to reach more and more for their dummy or lovey — to the point it seems like they can’t be without it. In reality, it’s just that their emotional cup is full and they've learned that when they feel upset, overwhelmed, scared or other uncomfortable feelings - the dummy or the lovey is the answer.

In France, this pattern seems closely tied to something structural: early separation — perhaps because of how short maternity leave is (3 months if you're wondering). When babies are separated from their primary caregiver before they’re developmentally ready, soothing must come from somewhere.

And here’s the part I’ve been sitting with:
Isn’t it interesting that France still has one of the highest smoking rates in Europe?

I know cigarettes — les Gauloises, especially — are tied to French cultural identity. But in an era where smoking has declined dramatically in many countries, France has held on.

And if the link isn’t obvious, here’s what I’m seeing:

Children in France learn to suppress big feelings early. The dummy becomes the tool. When the dummy is no longer socially acceptable, the need for emotional suppression hasn’t gone away — it just finds a new outlet. And often, it still involves putting something in your mouth to distract yourself, this time something that is acceptable.

This is what happens with all control patterns, even breastfeeding, if it’s used to avoid tears. When we don’t create space for feelings, they don’t vanish — they get buried- and when we take that thing away (be it dummies, breastfeeding, rocking, lovies, etc) children need to find a new way to dissociate because they don't feel safe.

And so the cycle continues.