Sometimes mothers are set up to fail

I used to feel guilty for wanting a break from my baby, especially in the first 6 months of her life (when she was glued to me most of the day and night). It has taken me 4 years to learn that not only is it ok to want a break, but it's a real need and one that I need to prioritise.

And I don't necessarily mean a break away from my children. I have found that often when I need a break it's not from mothering, but from motherhood - the patriarchal construct under which we are expected to be perfect mothers, the "shoulds" and pressures and expectations.

And although a spa break away from the kids is nice it's not:
a) accessible to everyone
b) easy to plan & the logistics can feel too complicated (especially when you're at breaking point)
c) really what we need, because it doesn't reduce the demands of childcare (and often they are increased after being away from children and the home)

💫 I have found that actually stepping outside the pressure of patriarchal motherhood is more effective at restoring a sense of balance and connection. 💫

It also helps me to remember that it is the conditions in which we are parenting, rather than the parenting itself that makes things hard.

And what that looks like is finding ways to connect with my children, that don't involve the emotional and mental load of mothering in a certain way. Sometimes it looks like handing care over while I do something different for 10 mins. Sometimes I press "pause" on the houseclearing and join them on the floor in whatever they are doing.

And sometimes I too, forget to take a break, or I prioritise other's needs over mine, and then I end up losing my patience with my children. But I'm learning that, that too is a reminder to take a break.

For mothers in intact or traditional societies, like the Ye'Kwana in Venezuela,
The abundance of alloparenting support is why they don't "need" a break. Among the Yequana, moms were given breaks as a matter of course, they never needed to ask. In our culture, with mothers often being the only caregiver, on-duty 24/7 while handling the unavoidable stresses of modern life, they really do need a break. Not a break from babycare, but a break from the inhumane conditions under which they are required to provide care.

Geralyn Gendreau in Jungle Jean, the biography of Jean Lideloff

So it's more than ok to ask for a break. This holiday season, when the demands, expectations and pressures on mothers intensify I invite you to take a break from motherhood. We don't need to have a perfect Christmas, perfect dinner or perfect children. I invite you instead to see wehre you can let things be less than perfect, or just good enough, but with more love and connection.