What is aware parenting? and what isn’t?
You've probably noticed I talk about Aware Parenting a lot. And I realise I haven't actually explained what it is.
But today I want to say what Aware Parenting is NOT.
You're probably familiar with "gentle parenting" and a lot of other parenting schisms out there.
And maybe, you're feeling a bit overwhelmed by the amount of information, of "dos and don'ts", "shoulds and musts" that is shared on social media.
And guess what? Aware Parenting is NOT another stick to beat yourself up with. In fact the main difference with gentle parenting is that AwP is much more clearly defined. And I find that takes the stress out of figuring out what is and what isn't "gentle". Who is and who isn't "right" about a certain issue. There's much more clarity.
And with clarity and information, comes the power to say what resonates with you and what you have capacity for, as well as the things you're not willing to do or have no capacity for.
Aware Parenting is NOT a doctrine.
It's not about perfect parenting. In fact, it welcomes parents exactly as they are.
It understands that any shortcomings can be overcome. Any less-than-ideal reactions are probably the result of our own childhood and that we can repair and restore as many times as needed.
It's certainly not something else mothers have to do.
It's not about saying the right words or following scripts.
It's not judgemental and instead in Aware Parenting we are met with compassion and understanding.
By now you may be thinking - aware, conscious, gentle, respectful, attachment, free-range, positive parenting, etc, etc, etc… it’s all roughly the same, there’s too many labels, too much information out there and this is just another set of demands we make from parents (mostly mothers).
But hang on tight.
The thing about AwP is that unlike other schisms in parenting, it is based on three clear and well defined aspects. And rather than being a doctrine or feeling restrictive, I find this liberating. A guiding light to refer back to when I’m not sure what the heck I’m doing.
AwP accepts that we’ll get things wrong (often) because we are the first generation to be breaking the cycle and we’re carrying a ton of hurts. And it helps us be ok and compassionate towards ourselves, because it also provides guidance to help children heal from the stress and trauma that we and our society will inevitably cause.
So what the three aspects of Aware Parenting?
Attachment-style parenting (note the “style”: meaning it’s based on attachment theory rather than a fixed set of rules)
Non-punitive discipline of any kind (including no rewards or bribes)
Healing from stress and trauma through play, laughter and crying
So why does all of this matter?
First of all, because it’s never too late to start. Whether your children are teenagers or newborn babies, we can heal the wounds we may have caused when we didn’t have this information.
Secondly, because it’s a trauma-informed approach.
It helps us identify sources stress and trauma so we can prevent them.
It allows to look at our children’s and our own unmet needs.
And when stress and trauma can’t be avoided, we have the tools to support our children to heal from it.
And, it paves the way to accept all of our children’s emotions.
Why would we want to accept all of our children’s emotions, when we were raised in a home where feelings were NOT welcome “and we turned up ok”? (hint: we did not). Well, according to Gabor Mate, children’s need for attachment is SO STRONG that they’re willing to sacrifice their authenticity for it. (And we’re all paying for the consequences of that in our society: in the super high rates of anxiety, depression, ADHD & addictions).
In other words - when children feel their parent’s love is at stake, they are willing to suppress their true self to maintain that attachment. So if we say (consciously or not): your tears and feelings are not welcome here, children will find ways to suppress those feelings to preserve our love and acceptance.
This is BIG. I know it’s a lot to take in. If it feels enough for today, close this post and pat yourself on the back for considering this new perspective.
And sometimes hearing a re-frame like this is just the beginning, a desire to seek more guidance to implement this in our life. If so, why not book a discovery call with me?