What twiddling and stroking and pinching is all about

If you’ve ever sat there nursing, activated and trying not to lose your mind while being twiddled, scratched, slapped or constantly stroked by your baby or toddler - I want you to know, you’re not alone.

I had a stroker. I still remember the visceral feeling of wanting it to stop.

When my daughter turned two and we weaned (stopped breastfeeding), the arm-stroking (which had been sporadic until then) didn’t disappear - it increased (surprise, surprise...). 

At first it was a few seconds here and there. Gradually it became constant: long bedtime sessions of arm stroking, then stroking my arm even half-asleep in the night - for what felt like the WHOLE night. To say it was driving us insane is not an exaggeration - it totally was. 

And this was after I thought I understood Aware Parenting. I'd been following it for almost two years!

It wasn’t until I really understood that this was a control pattern (a way of holding down big feelings that had replaced the breastfeeding control pattern) that I could support her to express what was underneath.

What followed was exactly what Aware Parenting describes so beautifully: a natural end to the behaviour, relaxed bedtimes, fewer wake-ups, and more peaceful sleep.

These behaviours aren’t random quirks, “weird personal preferences” or even "sensory seeking" (oooohhh sensory seeking... don't get me started on that one!). They’re ways babies and toddlers mildly dissociate to keep painful feelings at bay.

And that’s also why, when you set a limit - when you move their hand away, or ask them to stop - the upset comes pouring out. 

Without this understanding, it’s easy to think the crying means you’re denying a real need, and it’s so hard to bear.

And if they idea of your baby or toddler mildly dissociating is bringing up painful feelings for you, I invite you to reach out to a Listening Partner (or to me!). And I also invite you to download my guide Rethinking Regulation, I wrote a brief but clear section on dissociation and why we don't need to beat ourselves up when our children are engaging in control patterns. 

What children need in those moments is our presence - our warmth, the opposite of dissociation - so they can feel their feelings and return to their natural state: calm, connected, relaxed and fully present.

👉 Download my guide Rethinking Regulation (it's free, but you can also buy me a coffee to say thanks ☕)