When they cry at doing something hard

I'm at the pool and I can hear her screaming. An 18-month-old, hysterical, while her parent keeps trying to get her to stay in the water. He takes her out when she screams, she stops crying, so he brings her back in. He's got floating aids, he's encouraging her to try swimming, to just stay in a bit longer. She's distraught.

I see this pattern everywhere - not just at pools, but at nursery drop-off, at the top of a slide, when a dog walks past. A child is crying and we usually do one of two things:

One option is to push through the crying. The activity is considered important. Swimming is life-saving. Nursery "builds independence". Slides are fun once you get used to them. The logic is often: if we stop now, they’ll never learn. And sometimes it works - the crying stops. But often what's actually happened is the child has resigned themselves. They've learned that their distress doesn't matter, that they have to do it anyway.

The other option is avoidance. “She doesn’t like it.” “She cries so much, it’s not worth it.” The activity is avoided. Sometimes the fear remains, for many years. And sometimes it fades. Sometimes it simply shifts. Swimming is fine now, but dogs are terrifying. Or lifts. Or separation.

Here's what Aware Parenting has taught me: there's a third option.

In Aware Parenting, our role is to reduce sources of stress and be curious about why a child is crying - not to fear the crying itself. We understand that trauma and past experiences shape how safe we feel in the present.

In a situation like this, the first question isn’t how do I make this stop, but what is this telling me?

Is there an unmet need? Is the water cold? Is the environment loud and overwhelming? Does the child need physical closeness to feel safe in the pool?

Then we check if they have enough information. What's expected of them here? How long will we be there? What happens if they want to stop?

If fear seems present, we might bring in Attachment Play - start slowly in the bath with toys and splashing, or use an inflatable pool in the garden.

And finally, we think about their past experiences. Is being in water helping them connect with feelings from the past? Maybe they were born in water and putting their head underwater reminds them of birth. Maybe not being able to breathe underwater is what helps them connect with it. Maybe it's the newness itself that's bringing up a pattern from their birth. 

The crying isn’t about this pool.

With swimming, like with any new experience, we don't have to push through the crying and we don't have to avoid it either. We can meet the crying with curiosity, listen to what it’s telling us, and decide how to respond. Maybe they just need more information. Maybe they need play to work through fear. Maybe they really do need to cry to heal from the past.

And sometimes, the solution is surprisingly simple. In this case, the water was too cold. The child needed a wetsuit.

When we slow down and get curious, the answer is often simpler than we think. And even when it's not simple - even when there is birth trauma or past stress being activated - we can hold space for that too, without forcing them through it or avoiding it forever (and creating anxiety in the process). 

That's the work.