nine parenting myths about crying
Every so often I write something and think, surely everyone knows this by now. And then I say it out loud and get the same look... the “are you speaking another language?” look I’ve been getting for six years since becoming an Aware Parenting Mentor.
So here we go!
Here are the nine things parents still don’t believe me when I say them… even though they explain so much of the behaviour we find challenging:
1. There’s no such thing as “too much crying.”
But there is “not enough.” In a respectful, responsive family the tricky stuff - sleep struggles, hitting, clinginess, anxiety - comes from children not crying enough. Yup.
2. Babies can’t be “overtired.”
That pre-sleep fussing and crying is not the very un-scientific "overtired", it's their wise bodies doing what they need to do to relax: releasing feelings through crying so sleep can come.
3. “Spicy”, “deeply feeling”, “sensory-seeking” these labels are just used to describe very normal behaviour that is a result of... accumulated feelings.
4. Hitting isn’t "normal kid behaviour" nor a developmental stage.
It’s a fight response. A sign they're not experiencing feeling safe, even if they are physically safe.
5. Waking up lots at night is not “just a phase.”
Sleep is an emotional barometer. We can choose to ignore it as "just a phase" but then we miss what's really going on underneath.
6. Independent sleep is not a developmental milestone.
Kids sleep better with connection, not separation. Pushing independence at bedtime means children need to find ways of disconnecting from not feeling safe - aka mild dissociation.
7. Most “behaviour problems” aren’t behaviour problems.
Most of the things parents find challenging are a result of stored feelings + dissociation. The rest is the result of unmet biological expectations.
8. What gets called “dysregulation” is usually two very different things.
Either a child in fight/flight… or a child crying to heal. These are almost opposite, and responding as if they are the same thing creates even more confusion.
9. Most “co-regulation” advice is actually suppression.
The rocking, shushing, distracting, bouncing (anything done with the intention of stopping crying) pulls children away from themselves.
If your whole body just went “oh… wait… this explains so much,” you’re exactly who I created my new course for.
If you’ve been circling my course Tears Without Fear, this is your nudge:
this course is for the parents who feel like they’re walking around with one foot in the mainstream parenting world and one foot in whatever the alternative is… and they’re done trying to keep kids “happy” (which is clearly not working).
If any part of you felt seen reading this, I recorded a free intro to the course with you in mind.