The root of most “misbehaving”

Something I’ve learned in my seven years of parenting (and six years of mentoring parents) is that most of the behaviours we find challenging in children have the same two roots:

1. not enough crying
2. plus dissociation

That “resisting” sleep loop.
The waking up fifty times a night because "the duvet is twisted!" 
The buzzing, can’t-sit-still energy.
The bickering that never ends.
The hitting, pinching, scratching, kicking…

You name it, the cause is the same: pent-up feelings that haven't been expressed, leading to dissociation. 

And if you feel your chest tightening, here's a moment of self-compassion and reassurance for you: Mild dissociation is a protective mechanism.
Every single human I know uses it at times.
There’s no shame or judgement here.
This is the body saying, “I don’t feel safe enough to feel… so I’ll disconnect from the moment instead.”

Dissociation in itself isn't the problem, it’s what happens when it becomes the only option, when we miss out on the present, when we're numb to what is happening around us - when we're not living life to the fullest. 

When feelings build up (and the nervous system is in hyper or hypo-arousal), it becomes harder for their bodies to truly relax.
Harder to pay attention.
Harder to focus.
Harder to learn.
Harder to fall asleep and stay asleep.
Harder to feel present in their own body. 

And if you’ve been in this community for a while, you’ve probably experienced this:

You know,  with every cell in your body, that what your child really needs is a good cry. 
But they just.
won’t.
cry.

And then you catch yourself wishing you could gently squeeze the tears out, like emotional toothpaste. Except you can’t. Meanwhile your child is bouncing off the walls like a shaken bottle of soda. 

This is exactly why I created Tears Without Fear - a course to help you understand what’s stopping the crying, how to invite release without forcing it, and how to shift from firefighting behaviour to supporting real emotional healing.